NEGOTIATION FOR BEGINNERS

Top? Bottom? Whose Job Is it to Negotiate?

A negotiation should be the job of both the top and the bottom – a good negotiation is a conversation about finding shared desires rather than making compromises. A scene is a buffet, not a prix-fixe menu: all parties should only agree to the activities they find desirable. For example: if a top wants to play with rope, floggers, and a violet wand and the bottom wants to play with rope, a ball gag, and a pizza cutter, these two people should only agree to do a rope scene together.

Acronyms & Models of Consent

You may have heard acronyms that describe various models of consent – SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink), PRICK (Personally Responsible Consensual Kink). For the purposes of rope bondage, we will use a framework that aligns more closely with RACK or PRICK – rope is an inherently unsafe activity, with risks that range from wrist drop (temporary loss of motor function due to nerve compression) to death. No matter what acronym you prefer, your model of consent should account for the following three things: your physical safety, your emotional safety, and your social safety.

Physical Safety

Physical safety is likely the easiest to assess. Consent in the physical realm includes not only asking your partner what injuries or limitations they have, but being open and honest about your own physical limitations. This could mean a top letting their bottom know that they may not be able to support their full weight should the bottom need to come down from a suspension, or a bottom letting their top know about nerve impingement issues. You should also include conditions like diabetes, blood pressure/blood sugar irregularities, any seizure disorders, etc. In this discussion, it is important to talk about how you will communicate should a physical issue present itself. It is highly encouraged that the bottom communicate with the top immediately as the issue presents itself. A top has the right to make the immediate communication of physical issues a non-negotiable term of playing with a bottom. A bottom should never be made to feel like they are letting their top down if they need to end the scene in order to prevent bodily harm. Physical safety should also include STI checking protocol between partners if sexual contact is a part of the scene.

A rigger’s experience and kit are also important to a bottom’s physical safety. Riggers should always be carrying a cutting tool, as well as an emergency kit. Bottoms may want to ask their top how long they have been tying and if they have ever caused nerve damage.

Emotional Safety

Emotional safety ensures that both top and bottom walk away from their scene feeling secure. This includes things like negotiating where each person does and does not want to be touched, what kind of aftercare the top and the bottom need, as well as any mental health issues that may impact the scene. When experiencing trauma, some people have the habit to freeze, which may cause them to become nonverbal. It is important to ask about nonverbal signs of distress before beginning your scene. A scene ended prematurely is always better than one that ends because a person’s consent has been violated.

Social Safety

Social safety is a person’s level of comfort with their kink in the vanilla world. This includes things like whether or not photos can be taken, and if so, when, where, and how they will be shared. It also includes things like visible marks and how you will interact with each other in the vanilla world. Some people are completely open about their participation in the kink community. Others may have sensitive jobs or family situations that keep them in a “kink closet.” When in doubt, if you see someone you know from the kink community in a vanilla space, do not approach them.

Safe Words

The traffic light system (green for everything is okay, yellow for decrease intensity, red for stop) is a useful for many types of kink play, but it is not ideal for rope bondage. Many potentially harmful situations in rope can be fixed with concise, specific communication. Telling a top “my top wrap on my left arm is pinching” will allow them to fix the problem in a way that “yellow” cannot express. If you do not know exactly what is wrong, try to give the top as much information as you can. Saying “my left arm is aching” is more easily fixable than “ow.”

You may still want to play with a safe word that ends all play to account for emotional or social safety concerns, or if for any reason you feel you need the scene to end immediately. Personally, I recommend using “lawsuit.”

When Does Negotiation End?

Negotiation ends before the scene begins. You may have a hot, sexy, or fun new idea mid-scene; you should not try to negotiate your new idea once play has begun. Some tops and bottoms experience headspaces that may prevent them from being able to consent with a clear head. It is always best to save this idea for your next scene.

Consent Accident vs. Consent Violation

Sometimes, things don’t go as planned and someone walks away from the scene feeling violated, injured, or hurt. While it is never acceptable for someone to walk away feeling this way, accidents happen. A consent accident occurs when either or both parties were unclear about the needs or desires of the other party, and a misunderstanding or mistake crossed a boundary or caused harm. A consent violation is the willful, malicious, or neglectful boundary crossing or harm of either or both partners.

A consent accident does not absolve the perpetrator of responsibility. Regardless of the intent of your actions, they have consequences. Saying something was an accident does not release you from blame or responsibility for your actions. If you have repeated consent accidents, either your negotiation practice is deeply faulty or you are using your ignorance to violate your partners.

What to Do if You Make a Mistake

1. Apologize sincerely and selflessly. An apology should focus on the impact of the person who was harmed, not the feelings of the perpetrator.
2. Accept responsibility for your actions. Regardless of your intent, emotional or physical damage was done. “I didn’t mean to” is not an excuse. Focus on the ways in which you can improve the situation for the person harmed, understanding that the best course of action may be ceasing contact.
3. Make a plan to prevent making the same mistake again. Improve your negotiation protocols. If the other person is ready and willing, which they are under no obligation to ever be, ask for their input on your plan to improve your negotiation protocol and prevent this from happening.
4. Focus on the needs of the person who was harmed. This is not about you or your guilt.

Sexy Job Interview

Rope bondage is about having an enjoyable experience with your partner. You should start with basic compatibility and safety questions and progress into respectful, informative flirtation. Focus more on finding what you find mutually pleasurable than what you cannot or will not do.

What Questions Should I Be Asking?

1. What is your experience with rope? How long have you been tying/bottoming?
2. Can I see your cutting tool? How about your safety kit?
3. Do you have any physical limitations? Mental health issues or triggers I should know about?
4. What are you looking to get out of this scene? What are three words you would use to describe how you want to feel?
5. Is there any chance that during this scene you may become non-verbal or unable to revoke consent?
6. What implements/toys do you plan on using in this scene?
7. What are your needs for aftercare?
8. How do you want to handle communication? Should it be immediate, or would you like feedback at the end of the scene?

I’m a New Bottom – what should I watch out for, physically?

If you’re new to rope bondage and want to get tied, it can be hard to know what physical sensations to watch out for. Be sure to tell your top as soon as possible if you experience any of the following:

1. Numbness, as this can be a sign of nerve impingement
2. Tingling sensation – while it may not be a sign of nerve impingement, it can make it harder for you to notice when something does go numb.
3. Pinching of your skin between lines of rope – often this can be alleviated by the top running their finger under the rope
4. Pain – while rope bondage is not always comfortable, it should not be overtly painful unless that is the intent of the top and specifically negotiated as a part of the scene. Check that none of your limbs (shoulders especially) are hyper-extended.
   • Note: some bottoms cannot sustain a box tie position. Though you will see this position often in bondage photos, it is not a requirement to be tied. There are many adaptations of this form!

Final note: if for any reason a bottom needs to come out of rope earlier than desired, it does not mean they cannot be tied or that their body is not suited for rope bondage. A bottom’s endurance may differ from day to day, and a lack of ability to sustain a form on one day does not mean the bottom will never be able to be tied in that form again. There are many ways to adapt these forms to find what works best for the bottom.